A. Whole. Lot

Really I do. I’m not sure why. I didn’t always feel like that.

I used to think from a different perspective. One that sounded slightly unsure.

I thought from a lenses of what I wanted to do rather than what I knew was for me. My belief in myself in the past felt more like a fantasy rather than something I’m entitled to…

Using the word “entitled” feels a little gross, but it’s important for me to think about things I want as things I already have. Otherwise, my goals are just fantasies.

I’m just a lot more optimistic than I was in the past. I’ve also taken some small steps towards things I want, even when I’m scared, and so far they’ve worked out. I was scared to leave my old job that stressed me out in fear of having less money… But I did it anyway, and it worked out. I do have less money — but there is more peace. My car broke down and I wanted to try my hand a life without a car, so I could save money. So far, its been working out.

I’ve given myself small opportunities to just “do it anyway”, and those things working out for me built my confidence.

Having some terrible things happen to me in the past makes me determined to create a future that I want. I just don’t want to die without ever being who I want be. That is my biggest fear.

Journaling has definitely helped me get to a place where I’m thinking like this. Doing a lot of gratitude journaling set my mind to be more optimistic. Giving myself a place to be honest with my thoughts to review them later, put me in my own positive feedback loop. One that told me it’s okay to be confident and there’s nothing wrong with being very sure of myself. I had to get these thoughts at a distance to look at them clearly.

Outer society will tell me that being too sure of myself is cocky and that I’m setting myself up to be hurt by “getting my hopes up”. That’s just confusing to me now. Because what’s for me is for me, and what isn’t… isn’t. Choosing to be negative to avoid getting hurt doesn’t seem healthy or helpful. Why would I want to decide to stop feeling confident??

Is a part of me afraid of being wrong about my beliefs in myself? A little. But not really.

Again, what’s for me is for me, what isn’t … Isn’t. I’m at peace with that. I’m not going to stop myself from feeling good “just in case”.

I’ll feel bad if I need to but to preemptively lower my belief in myself??? No. Just no. “Let me feel bad now, so I don’t feel as bad later”. That’s a wild thought to me…